Thursday, October 21, 2010
I lost an uncle today. We weren't close. Time and Place prevented that. I am feeling bad that I don't feel worse about having lost him. I feel very sympathetic for his family, for those that were close to him. Anymore, though, death makes me question my own life and how it's being lived. It's been such a rough go, for quite a while now. I look at how my life is going, and compare it to what I'd like to see in its place. I look at my state of health and how desperately I need to be doing something about it. I think about all the things I want to do and wonder how they'll ever be accomplished. The things that are to be overcome seem to outweigh the things that are as they should be. And then I think of The Fiance, and I realize that as long as I have him and we have the relationship that we do, the rest will fall in place. It may not be 100% perfect, but I really think it's about as close as it comes. I have no doubt that he loves me fiercely, nor do I question the feelings that I have for him. There are so many other things to be worked out, but the biggest thing that I would want for my life is secure, and blessedly sweet. Death has made me take yet another long hard look at my own existence and question what it is that is important to me. As always, the answer is relationships. Kindness towards others. Empathy. Connection and the joy that comes from those things. I feel bad that I don't know enough about my uncle's life to know if he had these things in his own life, but I surely hope that he did. I hope that he died after having lived the life of his choosing, and I hope that when I go, I can say the same.
Monday, October 18, 2010
It's been a rough few months. I have nothing to do, and nothing but time. It makes me realize how much I have a need for people in my life. The thing is, other people are busy. Their lives haven't stopped because mine has. I think people mean well, but they do tend to forget about you. It's out of sight, out of mind. There are people I long to talk with as I did before, but the availability just isn't there. Sometimes this is literal, but most of the time the lacking availability is emotional. What do you say to someone who is totally miserable? They're better left avoided, lest the misery be catching. The worst are those moments when I'm surrounded by others and the lonliness is more profound. It's made for some lonely, lonely days.