Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Mid-Summer Angst.

I used to think that the time between the Fourth of July and mid August became the doldrums because it was a quick slide into heading back to school. There was plenty of reason to think this: Kindergarten through high school; college; grad school; teaching high school. June always seemed to go in nice normal speed, but once July fourth hit, it all flew by.

I was under the deluded impression that this summer would be different because I'm working a normal job, like a normal person. I'm indoors almost all day, from 8:30 until 5. It's freezing inside, and hot as hell outside. Beyond the heat when I leave work, I wouldn't really know that it was summer. And yet... somehow, my mind and body just know.

My normal summer routine has always been to stay up with insomnia and watch bad television until it is the time most people are getting up. Then I've gone to a pool and absorbed sun-rays that I have always believed made me look sun-kissed and glowing but have probably just sped up my aging process and will lead to some type of skin cancer later on. I've read -- sometimes great things, sometimes absolute drivel. I've done countless crossword puzzles. I've felt no guilt about simply enjoying myself with friends, hanging out or traveling.

Most people get a little depressed thinking about pending winter. For me this year, it's been the on-set of summer. As childish as it sounds, I don't want to be working. I want to do what I've always done. Though my summer routine is definitely different this time around, I am still feeling the angst now that the season's on a downhill race. It feels the loss of opportunity. It feels like all your chances to be carefree and have fun are disappearing. I feel like Demeter.

I lamented the season coming on, and now I guess I'm mourning its loss. I think this is a sad sign of "growing up." You want what you don't have, and you feel guilty because you wanted it in the first place, knowing it made you somewhat childish and selfish in your wishes.

Growing up kind of sucks.

No comments:

Post a Comment