Sunday, April 29, 2012

I Got a F*#king Pen.

When you are most vulnerable and pour out your soul to someone, you open yourself up to pain.  You hope that all those personal things you share are being met with real connection, and that you're not exposing yourself to someone callous.  To be fair, I don't think that we do.  I think that in those moments, we are sharing ourselves with another person who wants to understand who we are and how we became that way.  I believe that they want to see that you are more than the hurt you may feel and show you how amazing you are through their eyes.

The sad thing is, these feelings change.  When you're not together every moment, your situation can become "out of sight and out of mind."  If you have something else that is calling your name, it is very easy to be swayed to do what you feel you ought instead of what it is you want to do.  Though the heart may want what it wants, some people are so set on being "responsible" that the risk of happiness isn't one they're willing to take.

I have a very, very, very dear friend, who I am afraid I've lost.  Maybe not forever.  Or maybe I'll never again get the opportunity to speak with him in any meaningful way.  I just don't know.  What I do know is that distance was an issue for us, and though I wanted to visit and spend time with him, it was never convenient to his schedule.  I wanted to just hang out, be together, do stupid best friend kind of things.  I half jokingly, half quite seriously told him, "You're going to forget that you adore me.  Please let me come see you."  Work won out.

He's found a girlfriend now.  It's not that I don't want his happiness.  In fact, that's what I want for him more than anything else in the world.  What it means for me, however, is quite sad.  All of those things he used to share with me, just a month or two ago, that's all saved for her now.  The things I thought were simply talk between the best of friends -- it was something that he can only share with the primary person in his life.  I've been eliminated from the picture.  When we'd talked about being "Forever Friends," I'd taken it so to heart.  I wanted someone that was never, ever going away.  I'd counted on my best friend being there forever.

As much as I am grateful for his happiness, I am filled with sorrow for my loss.  I lost my best fucking friend.  I am jealous beyond belief of the time that they spend together because I know how it is.  I know that he tells her things he couldn't or wouldn't tell another soul.  I know that they share moments of silly, goofy fun.  I know that everyday they send emails that are trivial and text all night.  These meaningless yet so important things used to be mine.  It's not that I'm not willing to share.  I just didn't expect it all to go away.  I thought I'd get to keep some of him.

Maybe some of this will turn around.  Maybe with time he'll remember who I am and miss me like I miss him.  Maybe he'll realize that there's no reason we can't be friends.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I know he feels bad about hurting me.  I know he didn't want me to feel second best.  This was proven on my birthday when he sent me far more than he should have, when he actually called instead of texted, when he told me he loved me and he was sorry if I was sad.  I appreciate it all; I appreciate it as it was intended, but for a long time it's going to feel like I got a motherfucking pen.

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