Friday, April 13, 2012

The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same.

I haven't even thought about visiting this blog since early 2011. I was unemployed that winter/spring, and just bored out of my mind. I'd written about any and every thing I could come up. I was done. I realized how dull I was and realized no one would be interested in reading any further.

A random almost-stranger sent me an email, saying that I should update the blog. He wanted "more Snoopy and Charlie Brown reviews!!! Update your blog! Do it!!" I tried for a little bit, but all there really was was a story about strangers that sought to help me out of a snow bank. I enrolled in some classes out of boredom and a need to get the pittance provided by easy access to student loan cash. With every new assignment, the blog drifted farther away. By the time summer arrived, it was out of my head completely

Since then, I've become employed. I've been absorbed by the new job. Mainly I think this has to do with the ability to throw myself into something that completely takes up my life, leaving me without time to think about all the situations I'd like to see changed. I guess that's what a lot of workaholics do, though. If you don't like your personal life, throw yourself into a professional one. If I work until 8:00 or later in my office, then I don't have to come home and interact. I don't have to tend relationships or friendships or even myself. I just tend to work, to a job that supplies a never-ending supply of need.

I'm not even entirely sure what pulled me back to this tonight. I've started a new blog recently, considering this one an abandoned housing complex in a Japanese suburb. It's a place I never thought anyone looked at anyway, so why bother with it? Several things have caught my attention tonight, however. The first thing is that there were actually comments left on some of the posts. It amazed me! I don't know how anyone ever came across this sad little blog, and I'm not sure why they took the time to read any of it. Though the things posted here all mean something to me (maybe just a bit, maybe a great deal), it seems surreal they would have captured someone else's attention. And the second thing I noticed was that I couldn't remember writing most of this. Some people keep whatever they've written in their head for all time. For me, it's gone. I have literally read my words before thinking "wow. This person and I think a lot alike." As I've re-read things, I've been made painfully aware of how many truly personal things I've shared here. I don't have a good explanation as to why. All the really inner things that you're supposed to keep private, it seems as if I went out of my way to put them down on virtual paper to share with anyone who cares to see it. I realize, also, how lonely my life really is. Not just before, but now, too. There are so few people with whom to share my thoughts that are truly curious. It seems that you find someone you believe yourself to connect with, and then they remove themselves from your life without any explanation. The lonliness still prevails, as does my natural melancholia.

If you were to ask me how I think I portray myself to the average person, I'd say friendly and upbeat, without revealing too much of who I really am. I like to think that I keep all real thoughts, and more importantly, feelings, hidden. I want to project myself as happy and brave. I don't think I pull it off.

Initially, this blog was actually going to be a sort-of response to the blog "1000 Awesome Things." I figured I'd dream up a lot of things that aren't life-altering things to make you unhappy, but just sort-of suck. Friendly pessimism, I guess. I didn't have enough of those, though. I had to really look to find them. As contrary as it seems, the same person that is almost constantly tinged with sadness is also an almost blindingly shiny optimist that almost always sees the good of life and the happiness that exists there. A lot of it, clearly, is  bound up in popular culture, whether it be modern or nostalgic.

Like a lot of things in my life, I don't really know what the fate of this blog will be. I suspect I'll pop in from time to time, consider removing it from public view altogether, and then leave it alone out of a sense of the bits of connection it has offered in my life. I'm going to add it to my list of things that sort of suck. It's not the most terrible thing that could exist, not by a long shot. Nor is it grand. It's somewhere in the middle, sort of sucking.

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