Friday, March 12, 2010

Trying to Sell Yourself in a Resume

All resumes seem to look exactly alike. I have no idea how to set myself apart from the hundreds, potentially thousands, of others that have thrown their hat into the ring for the exact same job that I have. I've been working on my latest incarnation of my CV. It's okay, but with the current job market I've been pondering my appeal. How nice it would be if you could just say what really needed to be said without worrying about being proper or following traditional protocol.

Special Skills:
• Mastery of the backspace key; even with errors and correction I type 709 wpm (that should read 70)
• Master’s Degree with a focus on Popular Culture of the 20th Century did not work in my favor, but you should let it work for you – I am amazing to have on your trivia team.
• Most ipod songs I sing along with will be something with which you are unfamiliar, so the likelihood of getting catchy but annoying songs stuck in your head through contagion is minimal.
• Any type of confrontation leaves me feeling nauseous; no need to worry about my challenging you or spoiling for a fight.
• My vocabulary is such that contentious conversations don’t leave sparring partners feeling insulted, merely baffled.
• I have Employer Preferred OCD. No licking of walls or flicking of light switches, but I do have a difficult time stopping a task until it has been completed, regardless of company “quitting time” norms.
• My incredibly dull private life means that there is no need for concern over embarrassing indiscrete facebook posts.
• Extreme attention to detail – I am proud to say that my membership in the social network “I Judge You on Your Grammar” is not simply honorary.
• Fiscal irresponsibility is all personal; I am actually quite frugal with a company dollar.
• Countless committee meetings have left with me with the invaluable skills of an amazing icebreaker repertoire and charming doodles ready in about an hour.
• Work with not-for-profit companies has left me with the ability to cater an event on a dime and publicize events without spending a cent.
• Pamphlet tri-folding speed by hand: 5/minute
• Eery copier-whisperer talent. Can soothe even the most savage beast. Mangled papers can run and hide, but in the end I will find them.
• Gossip dissuader. Rumor mill assuager. Voice of the reason to the constantly perturbed.
• Growing up in the era of women’s empowerment meant I took both Helen Reddy and the Enjoli ads to heart. I genuinely believe there’s little I can’t accomplish.
• Recycle, Reuse, Renew. All about keeping it green. I can break down a typical cardboard box in under 7 seconds.
• Inter and Intra-personal intelligence strengths combined with a memory like an elephant. Let me become your Institutional Memory Archive.
• I actually enjoy reorganizing things. Years of Tetris has left me with amazing space maximizing skills.
• Having worked with both med school and high school students, there is nary a handwriting I cannot decipher.
• “Teacher stare” so refined most situations achieve redirection without ever having a word uttered.
• Analog clock literate. Sadly, an increasingly rare skill.
• Sentence parser. Unlikely this skill will ever come in handy, but not an excuse my linguistics professor ever accepted, so I keep trying to apply it to life.
• I can cite your sources in a proper format like a motherfucker.
• An unwillingness to accept “no matches found” as an answer means you’ll always have the images you need for any powerpoint presentation.
• Biting my tongue pro.
• I wear neither patchouli nor other essential oil parfums; migraines from sickeningly fragrant eau du toilettes avoided.
• Pleasant voice and mindful of personal space. I fit in none of the following categories: close talker, low talker, overly-loud talker, mumbler, slang slinger, potty-mouth, say it don’ spray it talker, rap artist.
• Mastery over the Dewey Decimal system.
• Graduate of Project D.A.R.E.
• Public school lunches and passing periods mean that I can hold my bladder for more than 8 hours at a stretch and consume a meal, make telephone calls and process multiple sets of 150 copies during a 22 minute spot of time.
• As a government teacher I can remind you of all the requirements to represent your nation or your Constitutional liberties as well as School House Rocky.
• Lovely penmanship.
• Can read first-love broken-hearted poetry with a straight face and empathy.
• Can politely refuse any fund-raiser offers, but can also sell durable trash bags and candy-bars like a Trump Apprentice.
• Can conjugate French verbs.
• Can gather and curtail a group during a fire alarm as well as an Australian Shepherd.
• Recitation of most 80s films on demand.
• Latch-hook rug making.
• Mobile Computer Cart Wrangling.
• Thanks to years of Price is Right, I can add to a dollar in no time at all.
• Patience and a paper clip is all I need to repair even the most stubborn of 3 Hole Punches.

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